I am proud of myself

Why is it so difficult to express pride?!

Good morning, friends,

These past few weeks, for me, have been filled with recovery milestones that deserve a celebration. Yet, while writing in my journal this morning, I noticed some discomfort when I tried to scribble these five words, “I am proud of myself.” 

Why do I feel like such a phony when I attempt to express pride? 

According to Mariam Webster, pride (noun) is a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people. And to be proud (verb), is having or displaying excessive self-esteem. 

I’m not sure about any of you, but as someone who has struggled with severe anorexia and alcohol addiction, displaying excessive self-respect (pride) is not something I am familiar with. Most of my life has been focused on fixing what is “wrong with me;” not loving what is “right with me.” It makes sense that I struggle to genuinely write the affirmation, “I am proud of myself.” 

It seems like our society has a complex relationship with the words proud and pride.  These words hold heavy, sometimes contradictory weight. While it’s okay, even necessary, for men to show pride, girls are considered unlikeable if they boast about their achievements. Even worse, according to AA, pride is a character defect that must be removed immediately.

I like Mariam’s definition of pride because it involves self-respect. While I was drinking, there was zero self-respect (pride) in my life. Sobriety, for me, is not possible without at least a little self-respect (pride). 

My therapist suggested I start a pride practice. She suggested I start small, but practice often. For example:

Remember to eat breakfast? Off to a good start. Proud. 

Survived the workday while on my period? Super proud. 

In bed before 9pm? I am proud of myself.

I could argue, as a human in recovery, I need self-respect (pride) more than anything. In order to remain sober, I need to put that bullshit rhetoric about pride (self-respect) being a character defect in the garbage. It doesn’t belong here.

My favorite definition of the word pride is simple:

“The love of one’s own excellence.” -St. Augustine

I am proud of myself. 

Love, 

Kelsi (She/her)