In 2016, while on probation, sober, and sporting an alcohol detetching ankle tether, I helped open an adorably hip coffeeshop in my hometown. During my interview, the owner and I connected over a Brene Brown book and the rest was history. Occupationally speaking, I had more “success” at that job than any previous job in my life. I became the pastry chef and created a few recipes that are still on the menu today.
Because I was alcohol-free, it appeared as if I had my shit together. My Instagram page was filled with mouthwatering latte art and seasonal baked goods. I went back to school and became obsessed with my 4.0 GPA. I thought sobriety meant adhering to the confines of my probation and allowing my perfectionistic, people-pleasing tendencies to run the show.
Not surprisingly, when my probation ended in 2018, all of that “success” went down the drain because I started drinking again. My work became sloppy and I became the queen of calling in with fake excuses. I got demoted and my pay was cut. One time I showed up to an 8pm team meeting drunk, snuck more booze into the meeting, and then threw up in my boss’s bed after the meeting was over. All of the bridges were burned.
As a result, over the past few years, I have created a story in my head that says I am not good enough until I return to that 2016 perfectly-put-together version of myself.
But the truth is, in 2016 I was living in survival mode. I wasn’t sleeping. I was hyped up on caffeine; constant espresso tasting was a job requirement, after all. I lied to my therapist weekly to ensure her monthly report to my probation officer was squeaky clean. My caloric intake remained strict because I got high whenever people commented on what cute and tiny pastry chef I was. I was holding up this impossibly heavy facade.
Sober from alcohol? Yes.
Healthy or healing or creating a sustainable recovery for myself? Hell no.
That story in my head about not being good enough until I return to some past version of myself is not real. It is an illusion I created. And, it kept me entangled in addictive behaviors for a couple of years.
Today I am practicing sobriety because I choose to - not because it is forced upon me - and that alone is more than good enough.
I no longer strive for past versions of myself.
ok I received an email about you posting this and got SO excited!! and then even MORE excited when I realized I've been missing your posts this whole time! *down the rabbit trail I go*
I loved reading this. Myself, and I'm so SURE many others, resonate so much with your writin.. you make us feel seen, understood, and less alone... I hope you always know the power of the gift you hold.. Our faults and the ability to learn to love ourselves despite them is what it's all about. So much love to you!!!
ok I received an email about you posting this and got SO excited!! and then even MORE excited when I realized I've been missing your posts this whole time! *down the rabbit trail I go*
I loved reading this. Myself, and I'm so SURE many others, resonate so much with your writing.. you make us feel seen, understood, and less alone... I hope you always know the power of the gift you hold.. Our faults and the ability to learn to love ourselves despite them is what it's all about. So much love to you!!!