WEEKLY AFFIRMATION #12: I no longer strive for past versions of myself
Fawning, addiction, and neurodivergence
“I thought sobriety meant adhering to the confines of my probation and allowing my perfectionistic, people-pleasing tendencies to lead to the show.”
It probably isn’t shocking that I’m obsessed with Holly Whitaker’s new podcast, co-regulation. The two most recent episodes with Meg Josephson about the fawn response reminded me of the following affirmation essay written in 2021. Everything about this essay screams FAWN, especially the sentence above.
Meg defines the fawn response as “a survival strategy where individuals prioritize the needs and comfort of others, often at the expense of their own boundaries and well-being. This response is rooted in childhood experiences of emotional neglect or instability, leading to a tendency to avoid conflict and seek approval from others. It often shows up as people-pleasing and relational hypervigilance.”
For thirty-five years, I was a fawner. If we had a past relationship of any kind, you didn’t really know me. You knew my trauma response. You knew someone who was in a cycle of self-abandonment and self-harm. Gaining external validation via masking was my entire personality. I was engaged in self-erasure at the expense of my actual self.
The idea you had of me
Who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel
Whose shine reflects on you
I appreciate Meg and Holly’s work because they connect the dots between my favorite things—fawning, addiction, and neurodivergence. My 2018 post-probation crashout makes perfect sense thanks to these episodes. The shame has been permanently lifted.
For me, the first steps away from fawning are awareness and establishing personal values. Overstimulation and triggers will always exist. De-fawning will never be perfect. But grounding myself in awareness + values loosens the grip of self-abandonment.
Now I know that sobriety means freeing myself from the confines of perfectionistic, people-pleasing tendencies and allowing awareness + values to lead the show.
Sober from alcohol? Yes.
Healthy? Ish.
Healing? Slowly. It’s a lifelong process.
Creating a sustainable recovery for myself? Hell yes.
Enjoy. :)
WEEKLY AFFIRMATION #12
I NO LONGER STRIVE FOR PAST VERSIONS OF MYSELF
In 2016, while on probation and sober, I helped open an adorably hip coffee shop in my hometown. During my interview, the owner and I connected over a Brené Brown book, and the rest was history. Occupationally speaking, I had more “success” at that job than at any previous job in my life. I became the pastry chef and created a few recipes that are still on the menu today.
Because I was sober from alcohol, it appeared as if I had my shit together. My Instagram page was filled with mouthwatering latte art and seasonal baked goods. I went back to school and became obsessed with my 4.0 GPA. I thought sobriety meant adhering to the confines of my probation and allowing my perfectionistic, people-pleasing tendencies to run the show.
Not surprisingly, when my probation ended in 2018, all of that “success” went down the drain because I started drinking again. My work became sloppy, and I became the queen of calling in with fake excuses. I got demoted, and my pay was cut. One time, I showed up to an 8 pm team meeting drunk, snuck more booze into the meeting, and then threw up in my boss’s bed after the meeting was over. All of the bridges were burned.
As a result, over the past few years, I have created a story in my head that says I am not good enough until I return to that 2016 perfectly put-together version of myself.
But the truth is, 2016 Kelsi was living in survival mode. I wasn’t sleeping. I was hyped up on caffeine; constant espresso tasting was a job requirement, after all. I lied to my therapist weekly to ensure her monthly report to my probation officer was squeaky clean. My caloric intake remained strict because I got high whenever people commented on what a cute and tiny pastry chef I was. I was holding up an impossibly heavy facade.
Sober from alcohol? Yes.
Healthy or healing or creating a sustainable recovery for myself? Hell no.
That story in my head about not being good enough until I return to some past version of myself is not real. It is an illusion I created. And, it kept me entangled in addictive behaviors for a couple of years.
Today, I am practicing sobriety because I choose to, not because it is forced upon me, and that alone is more than good enough.
I no longer strive for past versions of myself.
