During my late teens and early twenties, I struggled with a life-threatening, nearly fatal eating disorder. For five years, I was so underweight that my menstrual cycle stopped. My body was doing its best to preserve energy with the few calories it received, so it shut down my reproductive system. As scary as this is, amenorrhea is not an uncommon eating disorder symptom.
After entering treatment and regaining some healthy weight, my period came back. Unfortunately, my reproductive system was forever damaged, eliminating the possibility of conceiving a child. Additionally, my PMS symptoms returned with a vengeance. Every month, heavy blood flow and debilitating cramps keep me bedridden for at least twenty-four hours.
In the present, when Aunt Flow arrives, I am grateful to have a healthy body. Getting my period is a sign of progress. But also, I am afraid of what people will think of me when I call out of work, yet again.
Currently, all of the people who work above me are men. Just last week, I had to call out, and my boss got upset. It’s a tricky situation because I am somewhat vague about my symptoms, not wanting to disclose details about my past. Many men believe the only adequate reason to call out of work is to take a bullet. Cramps are not something they understand. And therefore, I am the target of shit-talking, considered weak and an unreliable employee.
As a people pleaser, being misunderstood or disliked feels impossible. If I was working for women, I might not spend my entire weekend ruminating over this. If our culture didn’t teach men to be so egregiously misogynistic, especially when it comes to periods, this wouldn’t be an issue. To put it bluntly, if men experienced excessive bleeding out of their penises and crippling stomach cramps once a month, there would be a law or policy in place that automatically gave them one or two days off every single month, and tampons would be free.
Like all conversations, there is room for nuance here. I also hold compassion and empathy toward men because they learn to hate all things feminine in early childhood. Being part of the He-Man Woman Haters Club provides a sense of brotherhood and acceptance. We all possess both feminine and masculine qualities. Yet, men are shamed and disgraced from birth for showing the softer parts of themselves. This indoctrination harms men just as much as it does women.
If you don’t believe me, watch this clip from The Little Rascals. The misogyny is real.
My history with period stuff is complex and tender. My monthly cycle is so much more than just painful physical symptoms. Each month, I also experience intense emotional symptoms, reopening the grief wound of not being able to have kids. Even though getting my period is a sign of progress, I also feel like I have failed as a woman.
It makes sense that I am triggered while trying to navigate my period in a callous, male-dominated workplace. My reaction might be over-the-top, or it might be perfectly reasonable. Either way, to quote the Queen, “I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man.”
Next month, when Aunt Flow visits, I will remember to be more gentle with myself.
I will remember giving up on people pleasing while living in a patriarchal society means I will be unfairly judged and misunderstood as a woman, and that’s okay.
I will remember to stand firmly in my truth and my commitment to care for myself above all else.
I will remember, after battling a life-threatening, nearly fatal eating disorder, getting my period is a sign of health and something to be incredibly proud of.
Progress.